Hurtful words. Anyone struggling with infertility has heard some at one point or another. Today I share some of my thoughts and my experience with hurtful words.

I started this blog because sometimes my feelings overwhelm me. I have so much to say, but no one I want to say it to. I’ve never loved talking about myself because I always thought I would sound like I was too self involved. I guess that’s what I’ve always thought about people who only spoke about themselves. But I believe the real reason is, I’ve always had trouble opening up to people. Sharing things about myself makes me extremely uncomfortable, whether in person or online. I never wanted to be vulnerable to anyone, because that would leave me open to judgement. I didn’t realize that in the process I was pushing people away; family, friends, and potential friends.

So in an effort to be more open, I’ll share my story through the course of my blog posts. Hurtful words is about exactly what the title suggests. Anyone struggling with infertility has been on the receiving end of hurtful words, whether they were intentional or not. They could’ve come from your closest friend or a random stranger at the grocery store. They could’ve come from your sister or your mother in law. Why do so many of us have to hear hurtful words? Because people aren’t educated in what is appropriate to say to someone dealing with infertility. This is one of the biggest reasons I want to raise awareness. Causing someone unnecessary pain because of ignorance does not have to happen. If people only took a little time to educate themselves, they could potentially save someone some pain. Especially if they are close to someone dealing with infertility.

The latest hurtful words that I received stunned me, The blatant ignorance behind them was very apparent, but sadly that didn’t mean they hurt any less. Maybe those very women can take credit for this blog. Maybe that pain planted the seed that grew into the idea of me deciding to try to change the world. In that case maybe I should thank them… but I won’t because causing someone else pain should never be applauded. I do forgive them though.

It was Saturday evening. The Saturday before the dreaded Mother’s Day. It was my husband and I, and two other couples. They both have children, one couple has 4, and the other 6. We were invited to one of their places for a barbeque. We don’t spend a whole lot of time with them but we’ve know them for a long time through work. We have spent what equals quite a bit of time with them over the years. Now we were having a great time. The barbequed ribs we had for supper were delicious and we were cleaning up the dishes. That’s when it happened. They started complaining about their kids, mostly their teenage daughters, when one of them says “You should feel blessed, (she enunciated the blessed) and I mean blessed that you don’t have kids.”

“You should feel blessed, and I mean blessed that you don’t have kids.”

I felt sharp instant pain stabbing my heart, I had no words so I just stared in disbelief and then hastily laughed it off. Then my other friend actually agreed with her, and I was stunned once again… her too? This was the day before Mother’s Day, which is a painful enough time as is. I shoved the pain down and continued on with my evening, but I wasn’t quite the same for the rest of the night. I knew these feelings would come back, when I was alone and could fully try to process them.

Looking back now I think about all the things I could have said, that I didn’t. Why didn’t I speak up? Why didn’t I tell them how much those words hurt me? Why didn’t I tell them that saying those kinds of things to someone who wants children more than anything in the world, is not okay? I think I know why. It was because they believed what they were saying, they thought I was lucky. It was because they actually did not know the effect their words would have on me. It was because I was too scared to open up, or cause conflict. I didn’t want to cause them pain or start a rift between us. I didn’t want to have them talk behind my back saying that I made more of it than it was, or than it needed to be. It was because if I dwelled on those words longer than I already had then maybe I would have to think about them. It was because maybe if I thought about them too much I would start crying. It was because I wasn’t brave enough.

Every woman struggling with infertility dreads Mother’s Day, and the reminder it brings of all we can’t have. The endless Instagram posts we see on that day. Post after post of beautiful, wide eyed babies, just staring at us. I’m not saying those posts shouldn’t be posted, but they are painful for us to see. So we dread it, and just try to stay sane until it passes and life goes on as normal. Most years I ignore it and don’t even open social media. So the day before Mother’s Day while my infertility was already fresh on my mind and just as painful as always, I had mentally prepared myself as best I could. Truth is, I was hanging on by a thread. My mind was on a loop telling myself that I could handle this, I was strong enough. I could make it through the weekend with a smile on my face. I was so busy preparing myself for the expected, I wasn’t prepared for the unexpected. And it was the unexpected that hit me like a freight train. It knocked me down, crashed through all my fragile walls of sanity, and my false facade of happiness. There I sat for the rest of the evening, raw, naked and in pain. All I wanted was to go home, lie in bed and cry.

I did cry. The next day, and maybe the one after that, or two days from then. Then again after a month. Now it’s been two months and I still can’t shake these words. I feel like I still haven’t fully processed them, and if I think about them and that evening they still hurt deeply. So what I’m asking is that you share this article with anyone that needs to read it, because each of us reeling in our own silent pain isn’t the answer. It never was. I hope reading this from my viewpoint will help someone understand better what we’re going through, and understand how long, words can haunt us. Just a moment of thought before speaking can prevent all this unnecessary pain. I know we are all human beings, and mistakes are made every day. So this is simply a normal woman creating a tool to help there be a little more understanding in the world and a little less pain.