The struggle to find purpose while struggling with infertility. This is my struggle almost everyday.

I was one of those girls who always knew she wanted to be a mother. I wasn’t as obsessed with babies as a lot of my friends because I come from a very large family. While they were thrilled whenever they could hold a baby, I had the opportunity pretty much my whole life all through my childhood. It wasn’t as exciting to me, because being one of the older siblings I had to help out quite a bit and hold my little sisters even when I would rather be outside playing. That didn’t stop me from adoring them though. I loved and still love them with all my heart.

As I got older and became a teenager, I had a bit of a rough time. I struggled with depression, hiding away in my room. It took me a long time to be happy and figure out who I was, but some of my happiest memories of that time are the times two of my sweet little sisters (aged around 1 and 2 at that time) would welcome themselves into my room and I would just hang out with them. Didn’t matter what time of day, they were always welcome in my room because I was always happy when they were around. They would walk around my room taking things they shouldn’t, or they would get in bed with me and I’d just play around with them, each giggle bringing me joy. They were pure and sweet, and although they are 11 and 12 now, and still just as sweet, I miss them being tiny, I miss how close I was to them. I miss how I felt being that close to tiny humans, and the only way for me to get that feeling again is to have my own babies. Wanting that feeling so bad, and not being able to have it always brings tears to my eyes. I feel like I know what I’m missing.

I met my husband young, we fell in love instantly and I knew I wanted to marry him and have a family with him. We dated for two and a half years before we got married and I was ready for babies pretty much right away. My husband wanted to wait until we were more financially stable, we didn’t have much money to our name at that point, both still really young. We waited about a year and a half before we started trying and yes I was one of those people who thought it would happen right away. We tried for about a year before I went to see a doctor about it, since then it’s been a confusing, emotional, heartbreaking ride. Although to most people it would seem we haven’t tried nearly hard enough, It’s been hard. It’s taken a long time for me to accept that it won’t happen naturally, still don’t really believe it to be honest. Every month I think maybe there’s still a chance.

Shortly after we married my husband took his class ones and started trucking. We have moved around a lot, while still having a home in our hometown, as our home base. Moving around so much I never really had a job because it wasn’t worth getting a job if we were going to move in a couple of months or weeks anyways. This is where my struggle for purpose comes in.

I was young, and I went from having a full time job and seeing my family and friends everyday, to living in a strange city with no job, no family, no friends. The only person I talked to was my husband who worked 16 hour days, so he came home and slept then left for work again. I lost myself that winter. I was a shell of my former self, spending time only in my own head. I spent most of my time numb, not allowing myself to think too much about my situation, or how alone I was. I’m not blaming my husband for this, he was working his ass off to provide for me and to get us to a better place financially, he was doing what he had to do to put food on the table. But through all this I lost my purpose, my reason for living. I had no reason to get up in the morning. I felt completely useless, and having been so isolated I couldn’t even function normally around strangers, let alone make friends or get a job. Looking back now I see all the things I would have done differently, being in a much better place now, and feeling more like myself than ever.

To say the least our first couple of years of marriage were strange. We talk about it sometimes and I think my husband felt just as alone working in a completely different industry than he was used to, and going from working 9-5 days to 16 hour days and nights. I think we just didn’t know how to be there for each other, there were so many changes in our lives in only the span of a couple of months. I’m happy to say that although our first couple of years were rocky our marriage has only gotten better with every passing year. We’ve grown and gotten to know each other inside and out, we laugh pretty much everyday and are always thrilled to see each other when he comes home from work.

Our marriage is better than ever, we are financially stable, and I still don’t have a purpose. Although we are in such a good place and I’ve grown as person, getting in tune with myself, I still have a huge hole in my life. The reason is, my husband still has the same job, which means we move around a lot during the summer and during the winter I have a low paying, part time job in my hometown, knowing I will quit 5 months later to move again. Now it still helps with the finances and gives me a reason to wake up in the morning but I would so much rather be a SAHM. I can’t commit myself to a career because of the moving and I can’t have children so I’m just in limbo waiting to have a baby and finally have a purpose, finally getting my life will be on track. During the summer we move roughly about every two weeks to once a month, so although I love summer, and we always have a beautiful summer together, I still don’t have purpose. Just being a wife doesn’t fill me with a sense of purpose. It’s enough for my husband because he knows I’m there for him, but just for me it’s not really enough. I feel guilty for not spending my time more productively, or contributing to our finances. I’m not a person who is content spending all day being useless. This blog has actually really helped with that lately. It’s not that I’m so worried about what other people think, although I get the “so what do you do all day?” question a lot. It’s more that I am hard on myself, I always feel like I should be more, be better, be successful. I put a lot of pressure on myself, but again and again I disappoint myself because I’m stuck in a cycle. Again I don’t blame my husband because there is very little job opportunity in our very little small town, let alone jobs that pay well.

These are my everyday mental struggles. It comes down to, do I think I am worth anything. As I’m writing this I know I am, but there are days when I don’t. They come around more often than I would like them to. There are so many days I wake up feeling utterly useless, thinking if I disappeared I wouldn’t leave much a hole behind. I feel these things even when I think I’m past those feelings and I’ve been at such a good place for weeks I almost forget what those days feel like. Then it hits me and I feel I’ve made no progress whatsoever. The struggle will continue, and I will continue to fight.

Do you struggle to find purpose when the only purpose you want is to be a mother? Comment below

Here is a list of things that help my mental health, other than my husband, but usually when I do struggle it’s when he’s not around.

• Going on walks especially in nature
• Exploring/ nature photography
• Reading a book
• Going shopping at thrift stores (they always have such unique stuff and unique things excite me)
• Going for a drive, listening to music I love

Thank you for reading me spill my heart out! 🤍 -S